when wonwoo finally confronted jungchan

ㅡ an excerpt from tagu-taguan... maliwanag ang eskwelahan? au

tw / mentions of death

Chan thought today was finally going to be a normal, mundane day for him, with a simple pondering on what to do with the family chaos he got himself into on the side. He fumbled for his key, like he would always do, but his steps were halted when he saw a figure in front of their gate, tapping their shoes, waiting.

Napaayos ito ng tayo nang makitang nandiyan na pala ang may-ari ng bahay, and Chan couldn't stand strong anymore at the sight of Wonwoo, who was actually the said figure. He didn't utter a single word and just watched Chan do his own thing, opening the door at that, but Wonwoo observing him wasn't also necessarily helping in easing his anxiety.

Ang balak sana ni Chan ay huwag na lang pansinin ito, na para bang multo lang siya na naligaw sa bahay nila. But the plan was junked when Wonwoo held his wrist to stop him from walking beyond his living room.

"Mag-usap tayo," Wonwoo's voice was firm, sounding very needy.

Napalunok si Chan at tinignan si Wonwoo sa mga mata niya, nagtatapang-tapangan. "Wala na tayong pag-uusapan."

Wonwoo looked at him in disbelief. "Parang gago naman." It was too late for him to take it back when he heard Chan scoff in annoyance.

"Tinatawag mo akong gago?" offend na offend na tanong ni Chan because he thought, ang kapal ng mukhang tawagin akong gago!

Huminga nang malalim si Wonwoo, letting all his frustrations out. He looked at Chan's eyes after. Chan sought for any signs of anger, any indication that he's about to explode, pero wala. Wala siyang nahanap.

Chan can only see how frustrated Wonwoo is. 

And even after the years that have passed, alam niyang hindi pa rin kayang magalit ni Wonwoo sa kanya. Yes, he may shout, may throw daggers, but he really couldn't get mad. 

"It's not that." Wonwoo ran his fingers through his hair. "Bakit kasi," he paused as he swallowed the lump on his throat. "Bakit kasi hindi mo sinabi?"

Bakit hindi niya sinabi?

Natawa na lang si Chan kasi ang kapal naman ng mukha na sa kanya pa manggaling 'to.

Wonwoo didn't stop throwing all his spite out, though. "Ang daming beses na magkasama tayo, Jungchan. Pwede mong sabihin sa'kin nu'n. O kaya sa chat, pwede mo akong replyan. Pero ni isang beses, wala kang ginawa. Wala kang sinabi. Talagang... tinago mo lang sa'kin?"

Chan let out another sarcastic laugh. "Bakit parang kasalanan ko?"

"Kasi kasalanan mo naman talaga," mariin na sagot ni Wonwoo.

There was a suffocating silence that wrapped the surrounding after Wonwoo dropped that. Pagsisisihan na naman siguro niya ito, pero wala na siyang magagawa kasi he could clearly see how those words affected Chan already, with the way his look screamed so pained.

"Kasalanan ko..." Chan echoed Wonwoo's words, hindi makapaniwala sa pinagsasabi nito. "Kasalanan ko na ghinost mo ako?" He gauged Wonwoo's reaction at kitang-kita naman niya na naapektuhan ito sa sinabi niya, kaya nagpatuloy pa siya. "Kasalanan ko na nu'ng nagbubuntis ako, iniwan mo na lang ako nang walang pasabi? Kasalanan ko ba na wala ka nu'ng sinubukan kong sabihin sa'yo lahat?"

Naghabol muna ng hininga si Chan. Hindi naman na sumabat si Wonwoo dahil masyado pa siyang gulat. He didn't know. He didn't know na Chan reached out to him.

Ganyan naman kasi talaga ang nangyari sa kanila.

They never knew what each of them has been to. And both of them didn't have the courage to find it out until today.

Nagsimula nang tumulo ang mga luha ni Chan, naghahalo na ang pagod at galit. "Tinext kita, chinat kita! Pinuntahan pa nga kita sa bahay niyo, pero wala ka na raw! Wala na raw nakatira do'n! Wala na raw kayo! Tangina, para kang literal na bula na parang naglaho!"

Wonwoo pressed his lips to stop himself from crying, but eventually failed because his sobs became more audible as Chan voiced his feelings out.

"Kahit kailan," Chan stopped and pointed at Wonwoo. "Hindi ko sinumbat sa'yo nang direkta na hindi ka nagpapakaama kay Tyran. Kasi 'di mo naman alam!"

"Jungchanㅡ"

"Pero bakit ngayon, kasalanan ko pa rin na wala ka naman talaga nu'ng una pa lang? Na ikaw naman talaga may kasalanan kung bakit hindi mo alam na anak mo siya?" Chan gasped for air. "Ang daya-daya mo."

Napalunok si Wonwoo because all those phrases hit him na parang sunod-sunod na bala purposefully aimed at him. Ang sakit din pala.

Although all his frustrations are valid, Wonwoo also understands that whatever Chan went through is not an easy journey. And he didn't intend to actually pin him for everything. Siguro dala na rin talaga ng pagkagulat kaya niya nasabi 'yon.

Si Chan na nga nagpalaki kay Tyran ng mag-isa. Kahit hindi sinabi ni Chan agad, hindi niya rin naman siya sinisi agad. Bakit ba galit na galit siya, e may karapatan din naman talaga si Jungchan na magalit at magtago?

"Sorry," Wonwoo said, wiping his tears. "God, sorry, Jungchan. Hindi mo naman kasalanan. Hindi mo kasalanan." Umiling-iling siya and his fear has slowly crept in na baka lalo lang magalit si Chan sa kanya. Na baka iwan na siya nito. "Sorry, sorry. Hindi gan'on 'yung pinaparating ko. Tama ka, gets ko kung bakit mo ginawa o bakit 'di mo ako nirereplyan." 

He kept on mumbling his "sorry's" from thereafter. Chan just sighed as he watched him helplessly na umiling-iling at magpunas ng luha kahit wala naman itong hinto sa pagtulo.

Chan knew Wonwoo like the back of his hand, he knew, as mentioned, na hindi ito nagagalit sa kanya. But it should also be fair na Wonwoo must also know him like his very own soul. 

Wonwoo should know na Chan will understand him, even if he gets mad at his fullest. Because that's how Chan is. He remains understanding to everyone around him. 

"Hindi ko pa tinatanong sa'yo, pero ngayon sige," Chan waited for Wonwoo to look up at him bago niya itinuloy, "Bakit ka biglang nawala?"

It was an excruciating wait for Chan, but Wonwoo only looked at him in hesitation. He could see how his lips quivered and how his palms were being pressed close and open continuously. Pero eto na 'yon, e. Ang time para makapag-explain siya.

"Kung nambabae ka lang o gusto mo lang lumayo sa'kin kaya ka nawala," mariin na tinignan ni Chan si Wonwoo. "Wala kang karapatan kay Tyran."

"Jungchan kasi," Wonwoo called out too sudden. Takot na baka umalis na nang tuluyan si Chan. "Kasi... wala na si Mama. Namatay siya no'n."

Parang biglang huminto ang mundo ni Chan. He could hear the protracted ringing in his ear as Wonwoo's last words boomed through his mind repetitively.

As if to make things worse, Wonwoo added, "Tapos sumunod si Papa... hindi niya kasi kinaya 'yung..." he trailed, unable to continue it kasi sobrang sakit na alalahanin sa kanya.

Wonwoo finally broke down. Napaupo siya habang humihikbi nang malakas. Walang magawa si Chan kung hindi magulat at panoorin lang siyang umiyak, habang ang mata niya ay nagpapatulo rin ng sarili niyang luha.

One trait that Chan loved about Wonwoo before was that he was so family-oriented. Like a supercut, biglang nag-play lahat ng moments sa utak niya, one where Wonwoo was so deeply binded with his family.

Naaalala niya pa 'yung time na unang pinakilala ni Wonwoo si Chan sa pamilya niya, everyone was so welcoming. Parang pyesta pa sa dami ng pagkain nu'ng araw na 'yun.

He also could vividly remember Tita's smile. So comforting that everytime Wonwoo felt down, aside from Chan, ang nanay lang niya ang nakakapagpasaya sa kanya. She was so supportive of them. She was everyone one could wish of. Ideal mom, kumbaga.

So her being gone... must felt like being in hell. Hindi alam ni Chan ang mararamdaman.

Pinunasan ni Wonwoo ang luha niya. "Inatake si Mama kaya na-deds," panimula ni Wonwoo nang magkalakas siya ng loob muli na magkwento. Na ipaliwanag ang sarili niya. "Tapos nu'ng nawala sila ni Papa, kinukuha sa kanila 'yung bahay namin sa probinsya."

Napaawang ang labi ni Chan. 

Kahit sobrang tagal na nu'n, tanda niya pa na hindi naman na sila namamalagi do'n, pero sobrang special kasi ng bahay na 'yon para sa parents ni Wonwoo. 

Kaso hindi na rin niya naisip na puntahan 'yon nu'ng mga panahon na hinahanap niya si Wonwoo. Hindi naman niya ineexpect na ganito pala kalala ang nangyari. 

"Pero napaglaban ko naman, nakuha ko ulit sa'min 'yung titulo," ngumiti si Wonwoo kay Chan. "Pero kinailangan ko rin pag-aralin 'yung kapatid ko. Kaya kung ano-ano na lang na sideline kinuha ko, hindi na ako nakabalik sa siyudad kasi walang magbabantay sa kapatid ko."

Huminto muna si Wonwoo at napayuko. Sobrang sakit pa rin. Hindi naman yata mawawala. Grief will always haunt him even if he doesn't want to.

"Wala rin masyadong nakaalam sa nangyari. Mga iilan lang namin na kamag-anak. Tapos pinili ko pa na 'di muna mag-social media no'n, nagpakalayo-layo muna ako sa kahit ano kasi 'di ko pa talaga kaya." Wonwoo gave Chan an apologetic look, his eyes glimmering with unshed tears. 

"Sorry kung 'di na kita kinausap," pumiyok ang boses ni Wonwoo pero 'di siya huminto. "'Di ko na kasi alam gagawin ko nu'n. Gusto ko na lang din sumunod sa magulang ko, pero paano na kapatid ko? Ako na lang aasahan niya, e."

Chan choked on his own sob at napaupo na rin. They are now on the same leverage. Niyakap ni Chan si Wonwoo, with the intention of comforting him. Naramdaman niya na binalot ni Wonwoo ang mga braso nito pabalik sa kanya.

"Sorry," sabi ni Chan habang humahagulgol. "Wonwoo, hindi ko rin alam. Hindi ko alam ganyan pala... fuck, sorry." Umiyak lang siya nang umiyak sa balikat ni Wonwoo, at parang baliktad na ang nangyari dahil si Wonwoo na ang humahagod sa likod ni Chan ngayon.

"Siguro nga dapat nagsabi na lang ako, 'no?" Wonwoo softly asked.

Umiling si Chan, nakayakap pa rin kay Wonwoo. "Naiintindihan koㅡnaiintindihan ko naman." He hiccuped once again. "Sorry wala ako para sa'yo."

That thumped Wonwoo's heart because fuck, may sipa 'yon, ah. Chan still cares for him on top of these all. 

And maybe Wonwoo does know Chan well, because he is well-aware of how Chan will never spite him upon hearing his story. He understands him so well.

All of this could probably be solved instantly if only they communicated well. Pero hindi rin naman masisi ni Chan si Wonwoo. If shutting people off was his coping mechanism, he gets it. It just so happened na buntis siya no'n and at the same time, Wonwoo was all he needed.

It was a bad pile up of circumstances. But it's all in the past. Magkasama na ulit sila ngayon, e.

Hinawakan ni Wonwoo ang kamay ni Chan. "Jungchan, alam kong mahirap na wala ako nu'ng nagbuntis ka, pero, please? Bigyan mo naman ako ng karapatan kay Tyran? O kahit oras lang para makasama siya? Please?"

Humiwalay na si Chan kay Wonwoo. Tinitigan niya lang ito kaya naluha ulit si Wonwoo. His hold on him became tighter. He was practically begging now, and if he could just kneelㅡ

Well, in full pride, napaluhod na nga si Wonwoo habang hawak ang kamay ni Chan. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya kasabay ng paglakas ulit ng hikbi ni Wonwoo.

"Jungchan, please... kahit para kay Tyran lang. Babawi ako sa kanya, please? Alam kong hindi ko deserve, pero kahit saglit lang? Gusto ko lang makasama anak ko, please?"

Tangina, galit dapat ako, e, Chan thought. But upon listening, upon learning everything, bigla na lang din nawala lahat ng sama ng loob niya sa kanya. 

Kahit ano pang gawin ni Wonwoo, sobrang hina pa rin niya sa kanya, e. Lagi niya naman iintindihin 'tong taong 'to.

Chan sighed at his sight and wiped his tears. Tumayo na siya at umalis na, naglakad papunta sa kusina. Parang naubusan ng hininga si Wonwoo nang wala na sa paningin niya si Chan.

Wala na, iniwan na rin ako.

He started to doubt himself. Baka hindi niya nga deserve magpakaama kay Tyran. Siguro nga gago siya at heto ang consequences ng mga kagaguhan niya. It's catching up to him now.

But all these self-deprecating thoughts were abrupted when Chan came back, his nose still red, with a glass of water and a box of tissues.

Inabot niya ang baso ng tubig kay Wonwoo. Mabilis naman na nilagok ni Wonwoo ang laman nito dahil kanina pa siya kinakapos ng hininga kakaiyak.

Umupo ulit si Chan at pinunasan ang mga luha ni Wonwoo na walang tigil pa rin sa pagpatak. Out of support, Wonwoo held onto Chan's elbow habang patuloy pa rin siya sa pagpunas.

He cupped Wonwoo's cheek and looked at him directly in his eyes. "Pag okay ka na, kausapin mo na si Tyran. Magpakilala ka sa kanya ulit," Chan's lips curved upwards slightly. "Bilang ama niya naman ngayon."